For the last few weeks, months, years…I don’t actually know how long now I have been walking around feeling ‘bleh’. I am not sure I can find the words to explain it but lets give it a go – out of place, out of person, really not quite myself, although I know a big part of it was not really quite knowing who myself was.
In one of my ‘something different’ things I went along to an event where they had motivational speakers, workshops etc. I attended a few workshops and listened to a few speakers. In one of the workshops I learnt that this thing actually has a name ‘Transition period”. While this title might seem fairly obvious to everyone else, it was a revelation to me.. One of the many that I seem to be having at the moment. They call it a ‘Transition period’, I call it a mid life crisis.
Over the years I have made the transition to be different things, to being married, to being an expat wife, to being a mum and most recently to being a stay at home mum. I think somewhere along the way I have forgotten who “me” is. I am fairly sure this quite common thing along new mums and while that gives me comfort that it is normal, it does not give a reason to not do anything about it. I guess the whole ‘something different’ thing has been my opportunity to do so.
I have been making some changes on the outside lately, changing my hair and clothes but the biggest “something different” are the changes on the inside… The old rambly computer in the noggin is getting an upgrade. And although the changes are still in beta at the moment I can already feel the small changes just in the way I react to certain situations. Sometimes I can feel my mind trying to revert to an earlier version of code. However it seems to be overridden by the latest upgrade that has been performed. I am just not sure it is a good thing that I am the developer and tester of my own code, I am surely going to argue with some of the feedback that comes back.
In life, we meet and get to know so many different people but as I am learning I think the hardest person to get to know is yourself. It’s true that we spend every single minute with ourselves, it can be someone pretty hard to escape but I think that it’s also the hardest person to be completely honest with. Often a result of being honest with yourself is having to accept that something needs to be done, and change can be one of the hardest things to initiate or accept.
The relationship with myself is the first relationship I had and will no doubt be the last, I am starting to realise that it might be worth getting to know myself a little bit better.