I cannot meet your gaze and I am not sure you can meet mine either. We sit, we talk but we really do not say anything to each other. We pretend everything is ok, when really it is not. It can’t be. Too much has happened, too much time has passed.
I’m not even sure now how it started, what we fought over. It has lost it’s significance as the days have passed. But it’s consequences are felt deeply as the wedge between us grows bigger each day.
I look at you when you are not looking, your eyes look sad. I know you are hurting too. I want to talk to you, to tell that you that I miss you, that I feel alone and I miss how close we used to be. I want to try and find the words to explain that I don’t know how it could become this bad and how I don’t understand how we are now so far apart. To be able to say to you that I am hurting and I want you here with me. I can hear the words in my head, over and over but they do pass my lips. They burn on the tip of my tounge but I just can’t speak them out loud.
Other times, I want to scream at you all of the deep, dark feelings that fester within. I want to at shout at you and let you know that I am angry with you for not being there. I want to yell, scream and cry, just to let it all out. But I don’t, I couldn’t do that to you. My words would break you and penetrate your soul. My anger would burn you and the frail bridge that stands between us.
You walk past me and I want to grab you, shake you, do something, anything to elicit a reaction from you but instead, I sit on my hands and let you go. You sit next to me and I go to reach out my hand to yours but my hands remain still. I am too scared. I am afraid that you will just ignore it or even reject it. I think I am most petrified that you might even take it.
I often daydream about the old days. Those days when we used to talk, laugh and share secrets. I wish I could trade 100 days of what we have now for five minutes of what we used to have but it is not possible. These days instead of sharing secrets, we now exchange words about the weather, the news or how much the grass has grown. We both choose to ignore it all, hiding behind fake smiles and fake words. Placing a plaster over a massive, seeping wound.
I think they know. They must be aware of the intangible strain, be able to feel the vast space between us. But like us, they don’t say or do anything. We never have, we never will. We just continue to tip toe around each other, trying not to suffocate on the the unspoken words that hang in the air.